Tuesday, January 27, 2009

“I wish I was an angel”

1. the intentional taking of one's own life
2. a person who intentionally takes his or her own life
I had a really bad sleep last night. I managed to get a solid three hours in, but from 12am to 6am I was lucky to average 20 minutes and hour. I think I am coming down with a cold, or some sort of flu bug. All my joints are achy and I have a slight headache.

In those semi-conscious hours between 12am and 6am, I wrote over 20 posts in my head. You know that delusional state between sleep and waking, where you sort of daydream with your eyes closed? Well ya, that’s where I wrote all those posts, and I guess that’s where they are going to stay too because now I forget most of them. However this one stayed with me, probably because it is so dark.

This is not a true memory, as I have no recollection of the event, other than what my Mother divulged to me one evening after she had been drinking wine. When I was just a little guy of three years old I became really morose and withdrawn. One December evening my Mom packed me in the car and drove all around Hometown so I could see the Christmas lights, living in an apartment we never really got to string up our Christmas lights. I guess she thought this would cheer me up. As we approached one house I asked her what was the thing on top of the house there all lit up, she responded by saying ‘Oh that’s an angel honey’. I don’t know if there was more to the conversation, where I asked what an angel was, but from what I gather I said with a sigh ‘I wish I was an angel’.

What a dark and disturbing thing for a kid to say. It totally freaked my Mom out. How could her three-year-old child be so depressed? How can a child be suicidal?

Of course I don’t have a memory of this conversation, but adults tend to blow things out of proportion sometimes, maybe I just really wanted to sit on the roof. At that point in my life I don’t think I knew anyone who had died, or could even understand the concept of death, but who knows?

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