Chasing Distractions Turns 1!

birth⋅day –noun
[burth-dey]
1. a day marking or commemorating the origin, founding, or beginning of something

Well it is official, I have been writing this blog for over a year now, off and on of course. The year began off on a bad note; I was suffering from a case of depression or some sort of quarter/mid-life crisis. I had just turned 30, broke up with my girlfriend, cut myself off from friends and family and suffered from a bad case of insomnia. It took awhile but I clawed myself back from the brink with the help of many distractions.

Now a year later I’m not sure much has changed. I’m still lonely, I’m still broke, but I have learned something from this all, and that is I get everything I ever want. And I mean everything. All I have to do is ask for it and the universe provides, from careers, to friends to girls to trips and prizes and all the highs and lows that come with it all. I have asked for all of it. The question then remains, why I am I still unhappy sometimes?

Originally I set out to write this post explaining that this blog had a good run, but I’m generally happy now and I have nothing to complain about anymore. Because really, that’s what blogging is all about right? Complaining?

I don't know, maybe I'll just stick around for a little longer.

If you’d like to give Chasing Distractions a birthday present, why not leave some comments, promote my Help Me Volunteer At The Olympics post, or simply donate to my ‘Get Me To The Olympics’ fund.



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Barney’s Version – The Novel

ur⋅ban leg⋅end –noun
[ur-buhn lej-uhnd]
1. a modern story of obscure origin and with little or no supporting evidence that spreads spontaneously in varying forms and often has elements of humour, moralizing, or horror
A few weeks ago I finished reading a humorous, yet somewhat sad tale called Barney’s Version, written by Canadian author Mordeecai Richler.

In a response to a book of memoirs, written by his sworn enemy Terry McIver, protagonist Barney Panofsky decides to give the true version of his life, as McIver’s memoirs paint Panofsky in a very bad light. Panofsky, an old man, recants his time spent in Paris as a young man, how he became a widow, divorced twice, the father of three children, a television producer in Quebec and the suspected murderer of his best friend. Throughout the novel the reoccurring themes are dealing with loss, with guilt, loneliness and the ability a person has to rewrite their memories as to make them more bearable.

The moment I read the last word I scribbled down this note:

Barney’s Version makes me flash forward on my own life, I don’t want to grow old alone

To date I continue my ever-lasting battle with loneliness and each day that goes by I get a little older and a little more certain that this funk is here to stay. In just six short days I will be the ripe old age of 31 and since I started writing this blog nothing has changed for me. I’m still alone. I’m still broke. And I’m still…

Next on the list Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller.



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Gray Days Make Me Feel Blue

im⋅pul⋅sive –adjective
[im-puhl-siv]
1. actuated or swayed by emotional or involuntary impulses
These overcast gray days always make me feel blue. I can’t help but look at my life on these days and feel sorry for myself. I guess I need more vitamin D.

Speaking of gray, the other day I found not one, but three gray hairs. It’s a sad state of affairs when you realize you are getting old and there is nothing you can do about it…

It is these type of days I mourn for my wasted life – being broke, lonely, and growing older by the minute I decided to give online dating one more shot.

This time things went well. Maybe it was luck of the draw, my slimmed down profile, or new profile picture, who knows, but I received many more contacts than I did before, from people that actually seemed pretty decent too.

I started a 2-week long correspondence via email with one of the people I connected with and a few days ago we met up for a date. In my mind it went well. Great conversation and laughs, I felt I was just charming enough and that there was some chemistry between us, but in the end I was wrong.

Maybe I blew the ending by not sealing the deal with a goodnight kiss, I didn’t want to be presumptuous, I am a gentleman after all. Or it could have been the text messages I sent not 10 minutes after the date stating what a good time I had. It might also have had something to do with me adding her to Facebook the next day, (she never did accept my friend request) whatever it was I never heard from her again.

What can I say, I’m impulsive, and in her I saw everything I wanted in a relationship. Came on too strong, or just not right for the dating world?

Whatever it is I better figure it out soon because I’m getting tired of doing everything alone and pretending to myself that everything is going to be okay. It’s exhausting.



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Life Can Sometimes Be Exhausting

mel⋅an⋅chol⋅y –noun
[mel-uhn-kol-ee]
1. a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression
2. sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness

Like many stories in my life, today’s reflection involves a girl; well in fact it is a build up of a series of events, all of which involve a girl. Without getting into all of the events in this post, as I hope to share the stories at a later date, today I have discovered one thing about myself – I love to be loved.

I am beginning to think that the many years I have spent alone have not been good for me. As David Leavitt writes in his story ‘Chips is Here’ from his collections of short stories ‘A Place I’ve Never Been’ his character remarks, “I am a pathetic and desperate man”.

I like the idea of someone liking me, and without being able to control it I will fully pursue a relationship with that person, even if my better instinct or gut judgement tell me otherwise. This latest fiasco lasted a total of 11 days, from initial attraction to final realization of my true feelings – if anything I guess I am getting better at it.

Either way, life can sometimes be exhausting.



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A Place I’ve Never Been – The Novel

fam⋅i⋅ly -noun
[fam-uh-lee, fam-lee]
1. parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not

Although it took me longer than usual, I just finished reading the last few stories of David Leavitt’s novel A Place I’ve Never Been.

Leavitt’s understanding of the human condition is very prevalent in this book of short stories, from dealing with strong romantic feelings that can never be in a friendship between a straight woman and a gay man, to the trials and tribulations of living in a non-traditional family. Many of the stories centre on a similar theme, and that is of loss. Loss of a loved one, loss of a pet, a lost loved that could never happen – and behind it all the deep loneliness we all feel at one time or another.

Deciding to finish this novel at a time when I am feeling a little homesick has made me want to jump in my car right now and take the 600 kilometre trek back to hometown to reconnect with my own family.

Next on the List: Michael Ondaatje's, Coming Through Slaughter


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You Win

de⋅ject⋅ed –adjective
[di-jek-tid]
1. depressed in spirits; disheartened; low-spirited

I give up.



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Television Killed The Dream Machine

dream -noun
[drēm]
1. A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep

Being slightly broke, okay really broke, I have been watching a lot of television in my free time, way to much television to be precise. I’m typically not the kind of person that watches a lot of television but when the most cost affordable thing to do is stay home, it is easy an easy distraction.

I’m out of new books to read, I find most video games too addictive to own a system, and I haven’t been inspired to write anything other than this blog. So television has become my new friend, my new distraction from the world around me since I am too poor to participate in it. That and I really don’t have any friends. I’ve got some acquaintances, but none that really invite me places. And I am the kind of person that will wait to be invited somewhere, I guess that is the Libra in me.

Anyway I’ve been watching countless of hours of television these last couple of months. Here is just a list of what distracts me on a weekly basis:

Seinfeld
Simpsons
King of the Hill
Family Guy
Malcolm in the Middle
Futurama
Law and Order
Law and Order SVU
Lost
Heroes
Supernatural
How I Met Your Mother

I’ve got a good 5-10 hours of television a day there. I hate myself for it. I wish I was doing something more production with the time I have to eat up before I fall asleep each day, but I have no idea what to do. Plus I think I am lonely and television fills that void a bit.

Until recently I would have these amazingly vivid unique dreams full of plot twists, excitement and intrigued. My dreams were so good that many times I would force myself back to sleep just to continue the dream. Lately these dreams have been losing their creativity and are full of all my television friends. For example I had a dream last night where Bobby Hill met his doppelganger and they developed a magic routine that took Arlen by storm.

How sad is it that now 8 hours of sleep I get are punctuated with characters from the 5-10 hours of television I watch? I guess if anything I could try to write some of these scripts and pitch them to those shows that are still being made. Or I could just stop watching television… because if I don't, before I know it my dreams will also feature commercials.




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In Capital City You Learn...

re⋅al⋅i⋅za⋅tion –noun
[ree-uh-luh-zey-shuhn]
1. the act of realizing or the state of being realized

...that there are two seasons, cold dry winters and hot humid summers.
...to always drag your feet when navigating the icy roads and sidewalks.
...that no one in Capital City is expected to shovel their own sidewalks.
...that the only strangers that will talk to you usually are 'migrates' to Capital City.
...that there may be many employment opportunities, but if you are not bilingual, you may be left behind.
...that in a city of almost a million people, it is still easy to be lonely.

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Relationship Addicts

be⋅tray⋅al –noun
[bi-trey-ul]
1. the act of being unfaithful in guarding, or fulfilling: a trust.
2. the act of disappointing the hopes of; being disloyal to: one's friends.

Everyone has someone in their life. Everyone craves someone in their life. More often than not people seek out others to give them purpose. To befriend. To care for and pay attention to. It happens all the time and it is due to loneliness. What everyone is seeking is companionship. And the moment something better comes along, or the moment your usefulness as a companion starts to waver, you are brushed to the side. Your days as a temporary distraction are over.

Everyone has this friend. The moment they are in a relationship you never hear from them again. And the second they are out of it you get a phone call or an email asking how everything is going. You once again become their temporary distraction until something better comes along.

These relationship addicts.

People like me enjoy our independence. We have embraced our loneliness. Sure we crave contact and companionship, we are human after all, we just don’t require it to survive.

You see these relationship addicts going through their withdrawal. These addicts who cannot stand to be alone with themselves. These addicts who seek out companionship the way a junkie looks for their next fix. You become their crutch for a short period of time until they can get their hands on what they need. And then you never hear from them again. They are off enjoying their high. But because they have no control, because they cannot stand to be alone by themselves, the high does not last long. You see them start to come down. The arguments start. The fighting begins. The break-up ensues…

And then there they are again, looking for companionship.

Looking for you.

Looking for their temporary distraction.


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